1 That you think his ex girlfriend is a total bitch.
Your
boyfriend’s ex is probably a poor excuse for a human—a raging cunt with bad
breath and regrettable taste in clothing. But as obvious as it is that she
sucks, it would be a mistake to reveal how you feel about her to your boyfriend. Any
negative comment about a man’s ex, however accurate, is bound to be construed
as jealousy or pettiness. So talk shit all you want among friends, but don’t
divulge the extent to which you loathe your man’s former flame when he’s
around.
2. That his best friend has a small pe’nis.
No
man enjoys hearing that someone he respects and loves is stuck with a small pe’nis.
If you happen to be privy to information regarding the pe’nis size of any of
your boyfriend’s closest male friends—either through hooking up with them
yourself, or knowing someone who has—keep it to yourself. You don’t want to
deliver the message that will make your boyfriend feel awkward in his buddy’s
company because he’s sure to resent you for it. It’s smarter to let a man hold
onto the dream that everyone he likes and admires is sufficiently well endowed.
3. That you think any of
your closest girlfriends are really hot.
It’s
natural to be attracted to members of the same se’x. But once you mention to
your boyfriend that you think one of your closest girlfriend’s is especially
good-looking or that you suspect she’d be great in bed, you open the floodgates
of his imagination. You practically invite him to beg you for a threesome. So
unless you want your man to devote a significant amount of mental energy to
picturing one of your good friends naked and to bugging you about inviting her
over constantly, keep your thoughts about your gal pal’s hotness to yourself.
4. That you hate your [insert body part].
We all have hang-ups about
our appearance. But when you harp on the fact that you hate a certain aspect of
your face or body, you accomplish two things: You draw your boyfriend’s
attention to your physical flaws, and you poison yourself with toxic thoughts.
If you want to discuss the fact that you have larger thighs than you’d like or
that your hips are too wide or too boyish or too pointy, or that you have
tragically large ear lobes, or your eyebrow hair is the wrong shade of brown,
do it in a lighthearted way. Make fun of yourself all you want, but don’t
proclaim that you “hate” anything about the way you look.
5. That so-and-so is really good at oral se’x.
Women like to talk about
oral se’x, and who’s good at it. Over the years, each of us builds an unofficial
Who’s Skilled At Oral roster, including guys we know are naturally skilled
through firsthand experience, those who take tongue direction well, and those
we’ve heard are proficient through (ahem) word-of-mouth. When someone on your
mental cunnilingus list comes up in conversation, it can be tempting to mention
their gift. Don’t. Just don’t.
6. That you hate any of your exes.
Maybe your ex broke your
heart or humiliated you or committed some awful relationship crime and you
regularly entertain vindictive fantasies in which you set fire to his most
prized possessions and terrorize him in the middle of the night. Whatever you
do, keep your vengeful dreams and hateful thoughts to yourself. It doesn’t
matter how terribly things ended with that last guy. It’s never wise to tell
your current partner that you hate your ex because hate is an indication of
strong feelings and lingering passion. Hate isn’t the opposite of love, after
all. Indifference is.
7. That you’re browsing a ridiculously expensive store for fun.
When your boyfriend calls
and casually asks where you are and you happen to be browsing an insanely
expensive boutique (because it’s fun to gawk at ridiculous price tags and the
people who drop thousands of dollars on a sweater without thinking twice), you
should always feel free to take a creative license regarding your exact
whereabouts. A vague reply such as “I’m uptown” or “I’m at a store” is always
preferable to “I’m at Christian Dior” or “I’m on the third floor of Barney’s.”
Why set off the “she has expensive taste” alarm if you don’t have to? Unless
you’re bleeding to death and need him to send an ambulance, you might as well
claim that you’re at Trader Joe’s.
8. That you understand what his mom sees (or saw) in his dad.
You know what people find
yet more cringeworthy than the mental image of their parents getting it on
(even in service of their own creation)? The mental image of their significant
other getting busy with their mom or dad. When you comment, however subtly,
that you’re able to see your boyfriend’s father as an attractive, se’xual
being, you practically force him to watch the most disturbing porno possible.
Even if you try to frame your appreciation of his old man’s looks as a
compliment by adding that your boyfriend and his dad are built similarly,
you’re bound to trigger some unwelcome thoughts that lead him to resent you.
9. That you have a secret stash of cash.
It’s never a bad idea to
stash some cash on the sly for emergency use. It feels good to add a few bucks
here and a few bucks there to an envelope you keep in the back of your
underwear drawer or rolled up inside a pair of striped socks you never wear. A
financial cushion provides comfort, especially in the moments when you’re
fighting with the person you love and you need to indulge the fantasy of
grabbing your cash and leaving for good, if only for a moment. But the point of
a squirrel fund is that you and you alone know it exists. Once you admit to
having one, it loses its value as your personal safety net. Plus, you’re bound
to face an onslaught of suspicion on other fronts.
10. That you flirt with your superiors at work.
We have a lot of double
standards when it comes to what’s acceptable for men and women from a se’xual
standpoint. We celebrate men who go to extreme lengths and/or behave indecently
as long as they do so in the name of providing for their families (see: Breaking
Bad’s Walter White, Mad Men’s Don Draper, Tony Soprano, etc.). Meanwhile, we
demonize women who are willing to use their se’xuality to get
ahead in the workplace. So if you’re someone who believes its her right to
nurture a professional flirtation for the sake of advancing her career
objectives, keep it to yourself. Neither you nor your boyfriend will benefit
from an honest discussion on this topic.
11. That chivalry is dead.
A lot of independent,
progressive women have a tendency to dismiss basic etiquette as antiquated,
unnecessary, or, worse yet, offensive—as if by holding every door open for
themselves they’re carrying the torch of feminism. But what’s not to like about
a well-mannered guy who lets others out of the elevator first, helps with the
on-and-off jacket dance, and walks around the back of a taxi cab so his date
doesn’t have to scooch across the backseat to make room for him? When we
declare that chivalry is dead we give guys everywhere permission to behave less
gentlemanly, which isn’t wonderful for women anywhere.
12. That you’re not really the romantic type.
Maybe you’re not really into
the frills that accompany traditional dating. You don’t need a weekly “date
night” and you’re not into celebrating your birthday and you really don’t want
a gift on Valentine’s Day because it’s the stupidest of all Hallmark holidays.
The problem is that the things you don’t want now have a way of transforming into
things you might kind of like down the line. So don’t pigeon-hole yourself into
being above a dash of romance. You’re better off reserving the right to demand
a nice night out once in while, and preventing your man from the dangers of
feeling comfortably lazy.
13. That you’re laughing at him.
Once in a while, your
boyfriend will do something unintentionally hilarious in a moment when he’s not
in a “funny mood” on account of being stressed out or in a rush. He might trip
on the sidewalk in spite of your warnings about the hazards of texting while
walking, or accidentally pour milk into his water glass instead of his coffee
mug. In these situations, it can be really hard to resist laughing out loud
because it’s hysterical to watch someone fall or do something stupid—to
everyone except the person who feels humiliated, of course. To avoid stoking
ire in your anxiety ridden boyfriend who’s done something laugh-out-loud funny,
avoid confessing that you’re laughing at him.
Instead, you can claim that you just remembered a funny Tweet from yesterday
(they won’t ask you to repeat it since they’re not in the right mindset) or you
can always say, “I’m not laughing at you.
It’s the situation that’s funny.”
14. That you’ve been proposed to already.
If you have any desire
whatsoever to marry your current boyfriend (one day…maybe…if he drops the bro
act and gets his shit together in time), don’t tell the man about any official
or unofficial proposals you’ve fielded in the past. You might think it makes
you look desirable to mention that another dude once had designs to lock your
ass down, but what you’re actually doing is diminishing your boyfriend’s power
to stage a one-and-only moment, and possibly robbing yourself of another
engagement offer.
15. That you’ve had several abortions.
There’s something refreshing
about the scene from Girls’ in which Mimi-Rose explains to her boyfriend Adam
that she can’t have se’x with him or take a bath or exercise for a week or so
because she had an abortion the day before. Adam’s knee-jerk reaction—he’s
extremely upset that he wasn’t incorporated into the decision making
process—isn’t all that surprising. Since guys don’t have va’ginas or wombs or
the ability to spend nine months transforming a sack of cells into a human
baby, they’re not all that well equipped to grasp how a woman might feel when
impregnated, or what factors inform her decision to terminate an unwanted
pregnancy. So if you can avoid it, you might as well spare a guy from trying to
understand your abortion history—unless of course you really feel like sharing,
which is your right. Just don’t be surprised if you then have to explain that
abortion is a simple, routine procedure and that neither your heart nor your
lady parts are necessarily broken as a result.
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