For many women, the term “lover” conjures up images of a
mistress, a woman who’s engaged in a wild fling, or a character in a
romance novel. Her life seems a little shocking, a little scandalous and
maybe a bit exciting.
And sometimes, women wish they could do the things she’s doing,
says the things she’s saying and experience some of the excitement she’s
feeling—in other words, be somebody’s lover.
Fortunately, you can be somebody’s lover. You canenjoy
a steamy s ex life with your husband —the anticipation, the excitement,
the intimacy—all wrapped up in the security of love and commitment. You
can have everything the mistress or romance character has, and more.
But, stepping into the role of the lover can require a bit of
effort. You may have embraced it early in marriage, but then let it
slide. Or maybe you allowed other roles—mom, teacher, chauffeur,
employee, daughter, friend—to push it aside. Or maybe you just never
really got comfortable with the idea of being a lover.
Whatever your situation, you can embrace and relish this sensual, s exual part of your life. Here are four steps that can help you get started:
1. Make space in your life.
Busyness is the enemy of the lover. If you’re running from
one commitment to another — all day, every day — you won’t have time or
energy to invest in becoming a lover. You’ll replace what author Esther
Perel refers to as “erotic energy” with “domestic energy”—a singular
focus on children, chores, tasks and to-do lists.
So, determine to make s ex a priority by creating space and margins around your life, in order to allow it to flourish.
It won’t be easy—you’ll probably have to make decisions and take
steps that disrupt your normal routine. It may involve reining in your
family’s schedule, saying no or disappointing some people, but it will
be worth it.
2. Envision yourself as a lover.
Chances are, some of the roles you’re juggling — wife, mom,
employee, cook, chauffeur, referee — are crowding out an equally
important and even more pleasurable role—lover. So, practice thinking of
yourself as a s exual person, a woman who enjoys s ex and intimacy.
Do things that promote that frame of mind—take time to relax and
unwind, dress in a way that makes you feel good about your body, listen
to s exy music, wear provocative scents or use them in your bedroom.
Think about s exual encounters you and your husband have enjoyed in the
past, and imagine things you might do in the future. Consider emailing
or texting some of your thoughts to him to get a s exy conversation
started.
Be conscious of bringing your mind back regularly to the thought that you are a sensual woman and a lover.
3. Take an active role in your s ex life.
As wives, we tend to sit back and let our husbands do most of the
work when it comes to s ex. The problem with that approach is that it
makes us passive, rather than active, participants in our own s ex
lives. And lovers aren’t passive.
So, try switching things up once in a while. Initiate s ex
sometimes — it helps you develop a sense of control of your own s
exuality. Regardless of who initiates, get involved — kiss him
passionately, touch him, respond when he touches you, let him know what
you want. Do something you did when s ex was steamiest between the two
of you.
Any time you find yourself drifting into passivity, do something to get your mind and body interested and engaged.
4. Try something new.
One of the reasons s ex thrills us in the beginning is that
everything is new and exciting. But as we spend more time together, we
fall into a routine and know exactly what to expect, which registers in
our brains as “Oh, here comes the same old thing.”
So, create excitement again by introducing something new every now
and then — a new location, a new position, a different time of day, a
change in tempo, a toy — anything that’s a bit different for the two of
you.
And once in a while, try something that’s new and slightly outside
your comfort zone. Because lovers are a little bit adventurous! So, try
something you’ve thought you might enjoy or something you know he’d
enjoy.
Often, doing something unexpected for your husband ends up being exciting for you, too.
Just take a step outside your comfort zone and be a little bit more daring. Like a lover.
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